| Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 11:25 pm Welcome to Stress, Population: ME. |
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Current Mood:  exhausted
Current Music: Sevendust (I don't know the name of the song)
I never got to update before, but I got the job at Nichols Paper Company. I was really stoked to finally have a job, but today was only my second day, and I'm ready to quit.
Don't get me wrong, the job pays well ($9.00 and hour), it has impressive benefits (medical insurance, life insurance, 401k, and I think dental insurance is also included), and most of my co-workers are really very nice. The job itself is very easy, I just roll tissue paper onto a paper tube, and then package it.
But here's why I'm not happy with the job:
1. For one, it's too damn repetitive (8-10 hours of standing on your feet and doing the same thing over, and over, and over...). There really isn't anything to it, you don't have to think, you just do it. It's boring.
2. There really isn't anyone to talk to. There isn't anyone my age that I could really be friends with. There are only about 9 people on my shift... the place is WAAAAY understaffed. That's because it's a shitty job, even the guy I was partnered with (who's been there 6 years) says he hates the job. I guess most people show up for a day and quit, from what I've been told.
3. They don't allow radios in the plant. The other factory job I had at least allowed me to bring in my CD player, so I could at least entertain myself somewhat while I worked (it made the work day a lot shorter).
4. It's already starting to interfere with school. School is extremely important to me... I'm so close to graduating, and I'm excited. But Monday I worked from 6 am to 3 pm. I had school at 4:30 pm. I arrived late to school, for one, and then I was so tired and sore from working all morning that I couldn't even concentrate. I didn't want to think, I just wanted to go back to Paul's and lay down and take a nap. Needless to say, I got very little done. Next week, I have to work 3 pm to 11 pm all week; I won't be able to go to school at all next week. That's not cool with me at all.
5. I arrived late this morning. I didn't remember where the door into the plant was, so I ran around the plant trying every door possible. I finally went in through the loading dock. After I punched in, I went to talk to one of the "big boys" from the office about something. He bitched at me for being late. I explained why I was late, apologized, and I told him it wouldn't happen again. But he just kept bitching at me.
After all of that, the workday just hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't happy doing this... I hated it. Paul told me today, "Don't ever stay at a job you don't like." Which is true... if you don't like the job, then how are you supposed to give 100% at it? You'll unconsciously start doing things half-assed, and eventually get fired. I think I've just had my fill of the dead-ended monotony of factory work.
Right after work, I went and applied at Sara Lee in New London for a janitorial position. The job pays $8.00 an hour, and it's only about 25+ hours a week (Mon.-Fri.). But it's a night shift job, so it won't interfere with school. I'm hoping I get it; I clean when I'm at home alone and I'm bored, so I KNOW I can do this and not hate it. Plus, the plant is HUGE, so I know there will be plenty of people around. After I applied, they said I should hear something by Friday.
What else is bugging me?...
NOTE: EXPLICIT DETAILS, IF YOU DON'T CARE TO HEAR THEM, SKIP THE NEXT 3 PARAGRAPHS!!!!
My little urinary tract infection still hasn't gone away. I went to see the doctor last week about it, he made me pee in a cup. He told me there wasn't anything in my urine that would indicate a urinary tract infection. So, then he did a "turn your head and cough" test on me. (the lump on my testicle that I thought was cancer when I was 19 is still there... ) They took some x-rays, no signs of stones. The doctor really didn't know what to tell me... I was ready to say, "Alright... you just played with my nuts... if you can't tell me SOMETHING, then maybe you should pay ME for this visit."
He said to drink a lot of water (no caffeine, and no alcohol) and come back to see him in a week if it doesn't clear up. Well, I drank a lot of water for the first few days, and it seemed like that only made urination burn even more, so I said "fuck it" and started drinking beer and soda again (yeah, I know... not smart...). The doctor said if I had to come back, he might have to do some swabs on my urethra to check for a possible infection in there (...correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't my urethra a part of my urinary tract...?????) Anyway, that sounds like a whole shitload of fuckin' fun. So, I'm off to see the doctor tomorrow.
I've been wondering... could it be an STD? My mom mentioned syphilis. If it is, where the hell would I have gotten it from? The only girl I've been with in the last few months is Nicki... IF I HAVE IT: How long have I had it? How are they going to treat it?... I'm allergic to penicillin. I could never forgive myself if I ended up giving it to Nicki... My mom said that Syphilis can make you lose your mind... I have been a wreck lately... very paranoid, not very clear-headed at all... Alright, enough about this...
END: EXPLICIT DETAILS.
Moving on...
Nicki has been very... distant lately. She and I don't talk much anymore... and I don't see her a whole lot anymore either. It feels like my relationship with her has taken a total 180 from what it was last month. Sometimes, when I'm with her in person, or talking to her on the phone... it's like she's not there... but she IS there...
This all feels like it started about 2 weeks ago, when she moved back to her mom's house. Ever since then, things just aren't the same anymore. She still wants to do things with me on the weekends... I guess that's good... but all the "little things that count" aren't entirely there anymore.
I'm finding it more and more difficult to talk to her every day... I just wish she would talk to me... say something... say anything... What goes on during her day? How's she feeling (physically/emotionally)? Can I do anything to help? Who did she see during the day? How is life treating her, now that she's living back at home? Why is the sky blue? Why do female coyotes have a penis? I want to talk to her so badly, but I'm starting to not know how anymore...
I am a man of few words, always have been (unless I'm in a really good mood, or I'm drunk). I hate telephones, so if I feel like talking, I'd rather do it in person, or in writing. I very rarely get to talk to her in complete privacy, and I've tried talking to her in person... but when I speak, all that comes out is nonsensical bullshit. Kind of like I can't put my thoughts into words that make any sense. So, I wrote her a letter, and I gave it to her Sunday when we were at the movies... I don't know if she ever read it... sometimes she forgets about things... I kind of wish that I could get it back, so that I could re-write it, and take out some of the psychotic gibberish in it.
Basically, what I wrote in the letter is that I want her to talk to me. I told her that something doesn't feel right, and I just want her to tell me if there's anything wrong (with her, or with me). Some of the things I wish I could rewrite, or take out, are: parts with me talking about love - I don't want to make her feel pressured, I just wanted to tell her how I feel, but I didn't really give a valid reason why. I also wish I hadn't written, "If you aren't happy with me, then I don't want you to stay with me. I would rather see you happy with someone else than see you unhappy with me." That puts more stress on me, because I don't really know what she's thinking, and even though I was just trying to be noble and sensitive, it just doesn't sound right. It makes me sound kinda desperate.
I've thought about what could be wrong, and I've narrowed it down to a few different things:
1. She's just not happy with me. I started a few fights in the first month that were really pointless, and she may be under the impression that if she's going to be with me, she's going to have to put up with crap like that all the time. So she may be re-considering whether or not she wants to be with me. The truth is, I WAS really selfish, and I just needed to pull my head out of my ass.
2. She's got a lot going on lately and she could possibly be really stressed out. Being around me (because I've been extremely stressed out lately) doesn't help her one bit, and she just doesn't want to put up with it. If she's going to spend time with me, she wants to be in a good mood and have fun; she doesn't want to listen to me whine and doesn't want me bringing her down all the time.
3. I've been way too pushy, and I'm expecting too much out of her. She and I haven't even been dating 2 months yet, and there's still room for us to grow and get to know each other. There's no need to rush into things (such as love), because she and I should at least get along as friends first if we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend - which is why I want her to talk to me.
4. Matt said, "Maybe she's just getting comfortable with you." It doesn't make much sense to me, because it's only been a month... but I guess it's a possibility. She's not seeing anything new and exciting about me, it's all been pretty much the same old stuff since we met. She could just be used to what she does know and is waiting to see something new in me.
5. There is nothing wrong. It's all in my head. I'm letting my mind run away with me. I'm too stressed out lately, I'm thinking about shit way too goddamn much, and I need to chill the fuck out... (maybe I DO have syphilis, and it's making me crazy).
I don't have an answer as to what the reason may be. But I do know this: I like Nicki. I think about her all the time. I'm curious as to what could come out of her and I being a couple. She makes me feel like I can take on the world. I like it when she kisses me, or hugs me, and I just miss those little things. I miss being able to come and see her/stay the night with her whenever I want, and I miss waking up to her in the morning, and just the two of us laying there in bed laughing at stupid things.
I think maybe I've been spending too much time worrying about what the future holds for me, and not enough time thinking about what's going on now. I really need to calm down, and try to roll with the punches...
...For being a man of few words, I sure do have a lot on my mind.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
~Sully |
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johnqdead's journal
Hello, Mr. Hyde...
awake
blah
disappointed
thirsty
sick
stressed
chipper
horny
geeky
accomplished
emotionally cold